The way I see it...
Learning. Beginning again. Growth.
Moving forward. One foot the in front of the other. Yet somehow I still manage to stumble backward, tripping over guilt and fear...
Is it okay for me to want this? To choose to be selfish for once?
Yes. Sometimes the answer I tell myself is yes, even though the reverberating answer in my head is no.
A gust of wind surrounds my limbs... I can feel it in my soul.
I breathe it in.
It fills my lungs, and I can hear my heartbeat pounding inside my chest, coursing through my ears. It's desperate to be listened to, to get out. With each breath I take, I become restless... I close my eyes, and feel the peace that can only come when everything around you is chaotically in motion, though you are standing still.
I can't get enough of it.
I breathe in again. The air is so fresh and welcomed as it cleans my lungs, my mind. It awakens within me a longing, something I've pushed further and further away from my heart...
Gasping, I release my breath... how long have I been waiting to exhale? To allow the longing of freedom and reckless abandon to take over...
With each exhale, a little more of me comes back into view. Breathing out the pieces that don't belong. Inhaling their replacements. Inhaling... ME.
I don't want it to end...
Change. Reality checks. Reconstruction. Focus.
Attempting to continue to move forward. Finding myself. Learning about myself.
What is it that I want? I can choose anything... what happened to that fearless girl from the summer? The one that felt a surge of power to do anything, to be anything. She is gone now. She has checked back into reality and knows she cannot let herself be reckless. She has purpose. And that's okay. At least that's what she keeps telling herself.
Snow. Ice. Blankets.
Wrapping up in layers to keep out the cold, the darkness. Pushing the ridiculous longing for recklessness further away from my mind and my heart.
And then there's snow. Bright, beautiful, wonderful snow. The sting of ice as the wind rushes around my face.
Warmth. A fire. Peeling off the layers I've protected myself with. Pajamas. Slippers. A mug of coffee. This is my season, even if I have to fight off the darkness that tries to creep in. It's the perfect balance. At least to me it is. I see the darkness and face it head on. I see the warmth that is around me, although it is hard to find.
The cold is ending. But it lingers within me. I know what I am. I know what it does. And I will keep fighting.
It's never easy. They continue to pass and I continue to watch them come and go. I fight to find myself, to keep myself. I fight to stoke the fire inside the girl from the summer who seeks to be fearless. I also fight to douse that flame before it gets too big. To be content. To keep my selfish ways at bay. To keep the guilt locked up, where it belongs, because I have nothing to feel guilty for. I fight to be confident. To live. To truly live. I battle myself. I battle the darkness, the warmth, and the wind. I get turned upside down, not knowing which way is up. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on my where-abouts, everything changes again...